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Tourist TargetsJuly 16, 2006 About a year after 9/11 I was riding around the perimeter of Martha's Vineyard Airport, which occupies the southeast corner of the Manuel Correllus State Forest. (Manuel Correllus was said to be a saint; I never met him, so I don't know. His daughter Judith, a real estate broker, was somewhat less saintly. She went to jail for forging Katharine Graham's signature on a purchase and sale agreement.) The fence was being replaced with a tall green chicken-wire-style barrier. I asked some of the crew if this was an anti-terrorism measure. They laughed and said yes. It wasn't till several months later that I realized this might be a Suspicious Question. At the time I figured, Hey, the fence was old, someone's been itching to replace it but the funds kept getting cut from the budget; finally someone got clever and put in a request with the Homeland Security folks. Deteriorating airport fence = security risk = terrorist threat!!!! = prompt appropriation for replacement of fence. We won't go into why I strongly suspect that the new fence won't deter any mildly determined terrorists, but I will say that it has to do with the portion of the fence that passes near the garage where Uhura Mazda gets inspected every year. This past February, during the big flap-flap over the hiring of Dubai Ports World to provide security for several U.S. ports, a New York Times editorial noted: "The Homeland Security Department's own inspector general reported last year that 8 percent of the allocated funds [for port security] had not yet been spent, and that scarce dollars for ports were going to places like Martha's Vineyard, which are not likely terrorist targets." For a brief, very brief, moment I dared hope that the Department of Homeland Security had recognized tourism as a form of terrorism and had given Martha's Vineyard some money to defend itself. No such luck. Doubtless the Department of Homeland Security, a creation of the Dubyadministration, remembers that the previous president visited Martha's Vineyard several times and believes that a sustained tourist attack is our just deserts. So this past week, on Wednesday, July 12, to be precise, the New York Times razzed Homeland Security for a list of shall-we-say dubious terrorist targets that included the Apple and Pork Festival in Clinton, Illinois; the Sweetwater Flea Market, which is 50 miles from Knoxville, Tennessee; and such city-unspecified locales as "Nix's Check Cashing," "Mall at Sears," "Ice Cream Parlor," "Bean Fest," and "Beach at End of a Street." The Times professed to find the choices mystifying, but it was pretty clear to me that the compilers had been directed to include as plausible targets places where people gather, and they'd done the best they could for their particular locale. Not to mention that many people on salary have excess time on their hands, and work tends to expand to take up the time available. However, those New Yawkers like to score points off people in places like Tennessee, Montana, Alabama, and Illinois, and besides those yokels were getting funds that the New Yawkers thought were rightly theirs. I'm also sure that no one at the New York Times has enough time on their hands to do stupid things -- who did Judith Miller work for anyway? I want to do my bit to counter the tourist menace. I'm applying for a Homeland Security grant to devise and implement interdiction protocols on the far side of Vineyard Sound and at all regional airports. Signs will be posted reading THE ISLAND IS FULL. NO ONE CAN BE ADMITTED TO THE ISLAND AT THIS TIME. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR SHOES AND WAIT TILL YOUR NUMBER IS CALLED. No, wait. I've got a better idea. Homeland Security was right: port security on Martha's Vineyard needs upgrading. Maybe we could call in the guys from Dubai? Or maybe they could just suspend ferry service till Homeland Security has had time to check it out. It should take at least till Columbus Day. My homeland will be a lot more secure as a result. Who knows, property values and rents might even go down enough to be within reach of island working people.
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