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Per Order of the Board of HealthOctober 23, 2005 I'm a heavy user of steel-cut oats -- couldn't live without my "serious oatmeal," which is my breakfast most days, all year round -- and since they're cheaper in bulk than in the McCann's Oat Meal tin, I pay regular visits to the bulk bins at Cronig's State Road Market. A while back signs appeared on all the banks of bulk bins: Per Order of Board of Health My immediate reaction was a powerful desire to thrust both hands (which had not been washed since my last trip to the barn) into the organic honey-coated granola, but being a reasonably mature adult I contented myself with deconstructing the sign instead. "Per Order of Board of Health": Could it have been any clearer that the sign was not market management's idea? The town board of health made them do it. Did they come up with the idea? This I don't know. The other market I shop at, Reliable in Oak Bluffs, doesn't have bulk bins. Maybe the Tisbury board of health unilaterally decided that our town's health would be served by these signs. Or maybe a decree went out from Boston to all the boards of health in the 351 towns and cities of the commonwealth, directing them to inspect all bulk bins in their jurisdiction and ensure that the populace was protected by appropriate signage. "Please keep all hands . . ." Perhaps an allusion to the nautical connections of Martha's Vineyard? All hands on deck; all hands out of bulk bins? "Please keep" -- the polite imperative -- is directed to me and other readers of the sign, but "all hands"? Whose hands exactly are we responsible for? I have the power to keep my hands out of the bins, and if I were accompanied by small children (perish the thought), I could probably keep their hands out of the bins, but if I saw a casual acquaintance or perhaps a complete stranger about to thrust her hands into a bin, where would my responsibility lie? Am I expected to yank her hands out of the bin, or perhaps shop her to the board of health? ". . . out of bulk bins." I can't help noticing that many of the bulk bins -- including the one containing my steel-cut oats -- aren't bins at all: they're chimney-like dispensers. You hold your little bag under the chute, pull the door open, and whoosh! your bag fills up with grain or beans or whatever. There is no way to put your hands, or anyone else's hands, into these "bins." (It does occur to me that, laid on their side and made of steel instead of plastic, these containers might be used for surgically guillotining the hands of miscreants who insist on thrusting them into the bulk bins.) Evidently the manufacturers want to make the board of health's job easier: if it's impossible for customers to stick their hands in the bins, they won't need to make the supermarkets put up these signs, right? I hasten to say that I'm not in favor of customers indiscriminately sticking their hands into the bulk bins -- although, having grown up with dentists and hygienists sticking their ungloved hands in my mouth a couple of times a year, I tend to think that the threat posed to my health by eating an oat that someone else's bare hand has touched is somewhat less than the board of health evidently believes.
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